Monday, December 2, 2013

The MAIN Event. Chattanooga style.

This coming weekend is home to my favorite event of the year in Chattanooga. The event is MainX24! I'm not 100% certain why it's my favorite. Could be that during this time of year, people are a little merrier and drunker. Could be that I love that my wonderful hometown will use ANY excuse to celebrate itself (anyone else remember the font party?). Maybe I like that the Southside hosts a variety of people, businesses, and events for 24 hours straight, and that's still not enough time for everything.

Whatever the reason, this year I was sure I was going to miss out. I live 5 hours away by car.  Money is tighter than I'd like. It's an exhausting event and I'll have to drive home Sunday. But I'm throwing all those reasons out the door because I made a promise this year that I wouldn't say "NO" to things I really wanted to do. I'd find the money. I'd find the time. This year is about doing.

I've relocated, I've gone to England, I've taken MANY mini road trips. All of that without worrying. And this weekend, I'm going home. I'm having pancakes with the Mayor, I'm having elderflower mimosas, I'm watching adults participate in a big wheel race, I'm eating chili and I'm watching the weirdest parade I've ever witnessed. Then I'm watching Trombone Shorty play at Track29. Because I can.

I intend to indulge with my friends. (overly)

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Memory recall...

My memory is a tricky thing. I store certain events and articles without thought or intent. Other happenings, I can't hold onto hard enough. The Good Doctor tells me that the brain stores things largely based on self preservation, in with the good and out with the bad. 

Strangely, I barely remember my best friend's phone number. But I do recall the birthday of a man I met once. In a bar. While intoxicated. Several years ago. I remember the first words he spoke, what he was wearing, how he smelled and even tasted. 

I remember the color of the cup I used at the last thanksgiving I spent with my ex husband's family over ten years ago. 

I'm not sure that either of those examples are still so vivid because of any type of self preservation. Those are the types of things that should be fleeting. I should recall a thanksgiving dinner, sure. And maybe I should even recall a random handsome stranger. But not with such detail that I feel like it just happened. 

Lately, I'm not certain I'm storing much of anything. I can't recall without much deliberation some of the events that happened within only the past few months. Maybe someday in the future they'll come washing over me. Or maybe my brain said "out with the bad!".  I can't say for sure, but I want more memories like the random handsome stranger...

Saturday, November 23, 2013

My overnight with Walt Disney...

Last night I made the jaunt over to Hilton Head Island to spend an evening (then night and part of today) with my friend Kim and her family. We had the pleasure of staying in a villa at the Disney Resort, thanks to a dear friend with vacation points and a last minute change of plans. 

Now, as you may or may not know, I'm not a "Disney person". Don't get me wrong, I enjoy some of the movies and I'm always game for a park with roller coasters. But I find the fact that employees are called "cast members" and that the little bastards are everywhere a bit unsettling. I get that they're creating an experience and it's part of the brand, I'm just not a into the stage 5 clinger types. 

They greet you everywhere you go by saying "Welcome Home". I suppose since it's a time share, membership's kinda the member's home. They do pay for the privelage of the club and it's benefits. 

Everyone takes their job very seriously and appear to have a seamless system. Nothing is ever dirty and there is always a person within ten feet to ask questions. We made jokes all day that we'd stumbled into the Truman Show!

The Disney Beach House is less than 2 miles from the Resort proper...and they serve booze there! It's past mid-November and I'm poolside (it's a heated pool) with a daquarri, travel magazine and the ocean steps away. Winning!

Living back on the coast has made me remember why I hold onto the summer for so long! Rum of the gods (as Dan says), salty breezes and the laughter of your close friends. 

Magical. Thanks, Walt. 

Kim, Dan & I with our 1st visit pins!

Kim and I with sippy cups, it's a family establishment!

He's one of those stage 5 clingers mentioned earlier!

I love when it's difficult to tell when the sky ends and the ocean begins!

All those little personal touches...

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Photo re-cap! I've been busy!!

Over the past few weeks, I've had the unique pleasure of seeing so many of my wonderful friends, (and making some new ones). I haven't slowed down, and I couldn't be more excited about it!

Jamie, my mix tape, and I had some (spiked) butter beer in the Harry Potter world at Universal Studios. We also had a blast going through haunted houses and reconnecting with our inner children. Jamie, my adventuress. 

My beautiful best friend, my Hippo, Tracy, came for an extended weekend. We had sweet tea vodka, and laughed until we cried. We lazily watched an entire season of Orange is the New Black and basked in the glory that only a hippo-lobster can create. No one could possibly understand the courage that this tiny force of a woman gives me!

    (Seriously, we can't help ourselves)

Carolyn, my ninja, my fancy friend. She's my partner of understanding. I love that she was here and had the ability to let her hair down and embrace her silliness. I know she has to be WAY too adult 98% of the time and I'm honored to be a safe place for her to relax. 

Oh Pookie, Rob, my original partner in crime in Savannah. While he lives here, I'm glad that he's been a participant in the last few week's visits and that he so easily transitions into all the compartments of my life. 

                 (He judges us all...)

The other Rob. We're bonded by several cities and it always a hoot to have a drink (or few) with him. 

This guy, Ryan, he's new on the scene. But he's been my incredibly handsome host throughout the city over the past couple weeks. He's been a doll to my friends, and has introduced me to so many new and fun people! (To say I feel like a lucky girl is an understatement!)

I'm happy. Come visit soon!!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

'Tis the season...almost!

Holy shit! Xmas is right around the corner. Just yesterday, Jonathan and I heard holiday tunes coming from a nearby church's bell tower.

Personally, it all feels a little too soon. Don't get me wrong, Xmas is pretty and festive and people give you stuff. It's not necessary anything you wanted or needed, but they thought of you and it's sweet. (And stressful)

I don't actually buy gifts for many people. Really it's probably less than a handful. My nieces and nephews don't need anything, nor do my siblings. So it generally comes down to a select number or friends and any obligatory "dirty Santa" or "white elephant" type parties. 

I've started collecting a few samples of potential gifts for this holiday season:

Who doesn't love fake meat smells?! This candle is necessity dammit. 

FREE?! What's better than that?! (Pet not included)

Inappropriate AND useful! (Why does he look so angry? He's getting a blowjob)

Everybody Poos! Totes handy!! And travel sized. 

Admit it, everyone wants a voodoo doll kit!

I'm sorry, what?! "New Baby" voodoo kit?! kinda makes sense. 

I'm always looking for great ideas, let me know if you see any "must haves"!! 

Monday, September 30, 2013

Savannah Signage

My first email to the signage company said "I need a diagonal window banner, that is static cling. It needs to be in our traditional red with white lettering. I need it to go diagonally across our center window. Can you please come measure and send a proof?"

The designer replied stating it wouldn't be a problem, and that he'd send a proof over after he measured the window. 


However, this is what I got...

I sent him back an email saying "The colors and words are perfect, but CBT wanted a diagonal banner cling. Can I get another proof?"

Proof number 2:

Dear sign guy, the horizontal and vertical options are great. I love options. But, I really need a diagonal banner. You know, angled? Edge to edge.

Proof 3:

Dude? Really? I could have hung the damn sign crooked.

I quit. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

Office Quotes of the Day

So Jonathan and I were riding back to the office today and we see a kid with Down's Syndrome walking up the sidewalk. 

And ol' Jonathan says something along the lines of, "Why do his parents dress him like he's special needs? I mean put him in a damn suit, not high waisted pants and red suspenders! They're just asking for trouble"

I have to agree with him. Then again, maybe the kid demands red suspenders. 

Earlier today, Ticky is telling us about going to the doctor for bruising and spots. Keep in mind, she's 75. The doctor tells her that at her age it's going to happen because her skin and blood are thin. Ticky says in her impeccable southern tongue "I told him no, that won't work for me. He's gonna need to fix it". 

I love that she thinks he can reverse time, or add layers of epidermal cells. Oh to be well aged, southern and powerful. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

24 hours in ATL, the recap

This weekend I went to Atlanta to visit friends. The view from the patio was beautiful...

After a great evening of catching up, drinks and accidental vegetarian pizzas I fell asleep in the comfort of familiar company. Waking up late and groggy we walked across the street for brunch...

            (68 pages of drinks...)

We were supposed to go to Music Midtown, but we got rained out.  The show went on, we didn't. Instead, we laughed, drank and noshed. And then we napped...

It's excellent to have such wonderful friends! Almost everything we say could become a popular tshirt slogan. In addition to their infectious humor, they are beautiful, successful and supportive. Part of the time I just sat back and watched, selfishly realizing how lucky I am to be surrounded by people that despite the world, have grown up awesome. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Exploring New Hobbies

Things my friends suggest to channel my emotions and solitude... (And my feelings toward them)

1. Yoga (Sounds relaxing. And suitable, good suggestion)

2. Racket ball (also decent, although my plastic surgeon suggest I don't participate in any activity where balls fly at my nose. Okay that's totally from Clueless, but it's sound advice)

3. Start a collection. (we've ruled out cats, but flair and tiny ponies are still strong contenders. 

4. MMA (if I don't want balls flying at my nose, for fuck sake why would I want fists flying at my face?!)

5. Murder (as soon as I locate an understanding pig farmer, that moves to the top of the list!)

Keep those ideas coming, pals!!


Finding your voice can be difficult. Taking the retribution for your voice can be damaging. Acknowledging your worth takes practice. Fighting for self preservation can be exhausting.

I try to never make myself look like a victim. I don't share my stories for pity or protection. I share them to break the silence. I speak in case someone needs the courage. I speak because silence is a casket. It's a fucking death trap where you drown in your misery and solitude. Or at least that's how my silence feels. 

Maybe yours feels like puppies and kittens. Good for you. Stay silent. 

Everything in me knows my past is a burden to myself and often other people. No one wants to know the magnitude of evils the world is capable of. And I've worked long and hard to fight and hide from those evils. I won't be made to feel guilty for owning my past and knowing that repeating it would be a folly of my own creation. 

Someone told me tonight, "you think you're SO unique and SO wounded... you're so wrapped up in what you think is your tough story, as well as your sick dependence on your friends..." The person continued on about my alleged short comings and the reasons why I'm not a fit and honest person. 

I must admit, it's never easy when someone's true feelings about you surface in such a volatile way. But I harbor no ill feelings toward his definition of my character. I do not understand him anymore than he understands me. But as I stare at this impasse I am thankful for my unique and wounded soul, as well as my sick dependence on my friends. For through it all, they have held me up.

UPDATE: The original post had to be edited/deleted but I saved these comments from a couple dear friends:

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Inappropriate text conversation, Take One

(Best pic stitch ever, btw)

Being offensive is one of the things I do best... It's a blessing and a curse. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

My perspective might be skewed.

So, I got a lease renewal faxed to me with this cover sheet...

And I thought... Woah! This chick is renewing her lease from rehab!? That's so responsible I'm not certain she actually needs rehabilitation. She is totally a high functioning substance abuser. What's so wrong with that?! I know sober people with their shit less together. 

Then I realized her mom is a doctor there. 

Biggest disappointment. Ever. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Carnival music can't be wrong... It feels so right.

Today at work I did a "hell yeah" fist punch into the air...because cake.

In doing so, my shirt lifted just enough to show part of the hand print tattoo on my right hip. A coworker was standing just behind me, and on my right side. They caught a glimpse of the tattoo and said "um, what the hell was that."

"A tattoo.  Of a hand."

"Seriously? That's interesting placement"

"Yep, like an instruction manual is the joke I generally get"

Other coworker "wait, you have a hand print, on your hip, that looks like its gripping you?"

First coworker "Please don't tell us there's an 'insert here' tramp stamp... Step right up!" 

Que carnival music and a highly inappropriate dance jig.

So many great memories involve carnival music, and that my friends speaks volumes.

My magical life keeps getting better...


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Happy Update

I've been house and dog sitting for Mr. Duff this week. I like how much his house feels like home, even with the severe lack of my cat and personal things. But I nest well here. He's got a beautiful life on this little island, and I'm glad that he often shares it with me.

    Just me & Kaiser, playing up the lens. 

Work is going really well, we're starting new projects and are in a constant flourish at all hours. My coworkers are excellent characters, and I'm grateful for the teamwork that lacks animosity. 

I feel calm and quiet. I laugh more. 

I do wish for the distance to not seem so far between me and a handful of loved ones I left in Chattanooga, but sadly my magic only works by pure accident. If I could get control of that nonsense... damn I'd be the winningest girl around. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Involuntary crying while shoe shopping

Picture this...

Me at Target crying in the shoe section. (Don't ask, it was a rough morning)

A very sweet older woman says "Honey, I know it's probably none of my business, but are you okay?" 

To which I respond, with snot coming out my nose, "my goldfish died".

Not even a giggle. My humor, under stress, is just lost on some people...

Monday, July 22, 2013

Hippo reunion tour!

This past weekend was quite the whirlwind. I drove back to Chattanooga Friday, after work, to retrieve my things from storage. When I got into town, near midnight, I was surprised by my wonderful pals with the news that all my things were already packed and ready to go! Seriously, no one has better friends than I do. It's no wonder I consider them my family. 

Saturday morning we got up and headed first to Atlanta to make an Ikea trip. Pookie learned that he has little patience for shopping with Hippo and I, on a Saturday, at Ikea. However, we did see little Asian nuns, and I feel that should have made up for well, everything. I don't know why but Hippo and I get damn excited over some nuns!

We finally arrived in Savannah less than 24 hours after I left and unpacked the truck into my new little space. All the while being eaten by mosquitos! I have over 40 bites on one leg!! I'm lathered in Benadryl spray and gel. I'm itchy and uncomfortable.

Last night, we enjoyed an amazing dinner cooked by Mr. Duff and then some hot tub relaxing time. Oh, and of course Hippo and I ended up in military uniforms, because well when we combine wine and that man's closet strange things happen...

Captain Lobster & Captain Hippo at your service!

Today, Hippo and Salapeno left to make the journey back to the 'noog. I already miss them!! BUT, the severe itching will be a nice reminder of the weekend for the next few days...

Thursday, July 18, 2013

This week's edition of why cameramen should follow me

Things I wish would have been recorded for humor, and personal archives (this week):

1) Ticky (a 75 year old southern woman) and myself moving a couch and huge ass console television. 

2) Pookie and I shopping at the Dollar Tree for sympathy cards and scented trash bags. 

3) Me trying to be Wonder Woman and carry an obnoxious amount of things up a VERY narrow stairway into the carriage house. With little success. 

4) Me arguing with a real estate broker that assumes I'm dumb or easily confused. 

5) Me guarding dog and cat food from a miniature pig. Jellybean, the pig, is a persistent and sneaky little booger. She also bites. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

It's a circus!

Part of the joys of my new Savannah living is trying new foods and restaurants. Above is a "Big Boy Burger" from Zunzis. It's begs "heart attack waiting to happen" comments from my friends, but I don't care. Good food is worth a little suffering. 

Another pleasure is having a dog visit you daily in the office for treats and a belly rub. Doesn't he look adorable?! He has outfits. I'm a sucker for a man with outfits! Because of him, Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retrievers are now on my doggie wish list. 

Things that are not pleasurable is watching movers almost destroy a crystal chandelier worth more than you. Or getting a left hook to the forehead by said chandelier. Sometimes I'm convinced inanimate objects also seek revenge.

I'm looking forward to my whirlwind trip back to the 'noog this weekend to pick up my things and latch onto Hippo for the duration of the trip. We'll be like a circus side show!! (Cue carnie music!)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Distance can't keep us down!

The Hippo & I are both wearing blue with white polka dots today. Totally synchronized. It's what Hippo-Lobsters do. Be envious. 

It's presumably uncalled for how happy this makes me... Whatevs. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


(Thanks JCO)

Simple struggles & gratitude

Things I'm not enjoying about my new (and current) situation...

1. I don't see my Banana Pants everyday. Nor have I slept with her in over a week. I have separation anxiety from my cat, yes. Stop judging me. 

2. I have no kitchen, or place to cook food. However, it's made me incredibly thankful to my generous "family" that continues to take care of me.

3. I miss the comfort of knowing my Hippo is only minutes away, instead of hours. But I am happy that her home is now filled with my art & that she sees pieces of me everyday. I can't wait to have a place with pieces of her as well.

4. I miss my Turtle. He is me, and I'm him. It's good to be got. And frankly there isn't a need for further elaboration. 

5. I long for my other close friends that are great dinner, lunch & breakfast dates. My Ninja, Huck & the Perfusionist. I'm still getting my bearings here, and their willingness to try fun things with me is greatly missed right now. 

Luckily, Mr. Duff has been more than willing to take me fun & nice places and my list of happy food places is growing. 

Things I am enjoying...

1. Being in a place that feels at peace with me after so many restless years. 

2. Knowing that the people above will find their way to me soon and that I'll get to show off this great city. 

3. That my life is truly magical. The proof is in the amazing support system I have that stretches beyond what I ever imagined possible. 

4. Knowing that I am appreciated at work, even after only 4 days. I haven't felt that way in ages and its good. 

Life has always been a challenge for me. I've always felt like I'm in survival mode. A little scavenger. And while that may always be true, today I feel less pressure. 

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Slowing down to live...

Today I went downtown to measure and ponder this little place...

It's an adorable carriage house, moments from Forsyth Park. It's exactly where I want to live. It's just a little room, and the kitchen reminds me of one you'd find in an RV. There are built in bookcases and a window seat that Banana Pants would love. 

I couldn't help but imagine my dad there with me.  He's been gone 11 years, today. When I was little I used to come to camp on Tybee Island, every year when I'd come home I'd tell him that someday I was going to live in Savannah. And I did. In the early part of the past decade, I moved with Paul, my ex husband. We lived at the very camp I had loved as a child. 

And now I'm back, but this time on my own and nearly nine years after leaving. In so many ways it feels like a time warp.  I'm staying with my old boss, my free time is spent with Pookie and Mr. Duff and in so many ways it feels the same. My new office is just across the street from my old one, and I find myself looking for parking off the exact same streets.

I could feel my dad, my Popoola, laughing at me today. Measuring my apartment in flip flops to make my best friend's husband spin his top. I could feel him hug me as I cried inside this tiny carriage house as I was feeling lost and simultaneously at home. I can even hear him whispering for me to slow down, because there's no point in living so damn fast.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Relocated - in shifts.

I'm in Savannah, GA. 

It's beautiful. I'm in love with this town.

(That's my current mantra at least.)

I can't lie and say I'm 100% confident with my decision. But I've been well received by old friends. They're gracious, generous and patient. 

I'm terribly heartsick that Banana, my cat, isn't with me in my temporary housing. And I'm a complete wreck without my Hippo and Turtle. They both keep me sane and it's difficult without them physically accessible.

Touring apartments and the city in search of "For Rent" signs is exhausting. Without Pookie's help, I'd live in my car. Seriously, I already pay enough for the damn thing. Might as well live there too. 

I'm excited by the potential adventures and lessons. I'm anxious for new memories and stories. 

In over my head, just where I love to be. 

Friday, June 28, 2013

Moving is an adventure. Like hell.

Moving is stressful. 

Everything you own is under scrutiny. Do you need it? Want it? Do you wanna put together one more fucking box or just throw the shit away??

Moving when you have no plan, even more stressful. 

Do I stay? Do I get a roommate? Do I put an advert on Craiglist and hope I don't get murdered??

Who the hell owns this many pairs of shoes? Where the fuck did this third hand mixer come from? And how do I not make enough money to hire someone to do this for me??

I'm exhausted, cranky and needy. There are VERY few people in my life that can handle me under these circumstances. 

The short list doesn't seem to include a man with muscles, or access to a moving truck... I need a husband. Le sigh. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Hippos Read Just Busted

Recently, Hippo and I had a cheap-date, small adventure. After a shared dinner, we wandered to the drug store...

There we discovered, or verified rather, Hippos have a short attention span when we can't locate what we're looking for. Therefore we're led to discuss my lack of enthusiasm over arm pit hair. On anyone. It's weird. And blows in the wind. What?

Near the check-out we revisited part of our dinner conversation. You see an old friend of ours was recently arrested. For statutory rape. At the register was a copy of "Just Busted", a local paper that includes all the latest arrests. We suspected he might be included, and for only $1 we can peruse the law breakers of our surrounding area. Money well spent!

For the most part, the mug shots are terrible. As expected. Some people seem to treat them like prom photos, others like its their profession. Yet sometimes, they just don't seem to fit. Or they're even a little attractive, in that bad boy way...

Until you Facebook stalk them, and humorously realize the mug shot is their best public photo. Le sigh. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Amazon Preacher Lady. The Purple Edition.

Friday afternoon, on my way to the coast, I stopped south of Atlanta to get gas and some Jesus Chicken Lemonade. That's what Hippo and I call Chick-fil-a, Jesus Chicken, because we're convinced there's granulated idol in there or people wouldn't be so damn uptight about it. I mean other than their blatant disregard for equality. But I'm sorry, that place is good and I'm weak. So weak.

When I walked into Chick-fil-a I headed straight to the little sinner's room. When I walked in, there at the sink was an Amazonian sized black woman. She was styled neck to ankle in purple clothes with hot pink zebra wedges and an Afro. She looked me up and down and exclaimed "even a heathen know where to find good food, thank you lord!"

I couldn't help but laugh and agree. I finished my business and walked to the line...where I stood behind her.

This is what follows: (also please read anything she says in your best southern, black, preacher voice)

Lady (in purple): Can I get a LARGE ice water and some ice. cream. dream?
Cashier: Yes ma'am. My pleasure. Would you like that in a cup or cone? Small or large?
Lady: In a cone of course. And a small, please.  I've gotta watch this figure. (pause for dramatic effect) For my Sugar. Daddy. (drop a hip and nod of the head and a slight duck face)
Cashier: *smiles and looks confused*
Lady: (turning around to me) Last night I was in bed with my Lover... The. Bible. (another hip drop)
Me: Oh. My. Well I've never heard of that book in such a term. A lover, you say?
Lady: Oh yes, child... nothing has ever been so satisfying
Me: *mumbling* I suppose I must have read it wrong...
Lady: (upon seeing the ice cream cone) Oh no, no, no. That will not do! I need a professional ice cream maker over here. No, no that will not do. I need it taller.  Don't be afraid to put a little swirl in that! Amen.
Lady: (again, to me) I had dream about our President. Ba-rack. He was standing on a hill, with another man. And our President of these United States had his right hand stretched out. Reaching toward that other man.  But that other man he did not reach back to our Commander and Chief, no he did not. And Mr. Obama, he fell. I woke up, confused. And I said Oh LORD, what does this mean? And the lord said, sister it means you can't trust a man, not even one right in front of you. MmHm. That's right
Lady: (upon seeing her second ice cream cone) Oh no.  That's won't due either! I need it tall.  I want all one hundred and twenty three cents worth of ice cream that I paid for.
Cashier: Ma'am you paid for a small, that is a small.
Lady: Well, I think it's an extra small. And you are serving ROYALTY. Amen. Thank you Jesus.

In the end, the purple lady gets an extra large ice cream cone. MmHm. That's right.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Friday, the day in which we unravel.

I'm not sure what its a sign of that its Friday, and I don't really recall Monday. Maybe it's because the chiropractor used lasers on my head and erased my memory, Men In Black style. 

Speaking of the MIB, Hippo and I have been testing the parameters of this NSA stuff. And we've decided to put forth an effort to making our texts and emails more interesting. I mean if someone is reading this shit, might as well make it entertaining. We now address the president directly and only ask for favors every few texts, which I feel is generous considering how highly we think of ourselves. 

Also we have military uniforms at the ready if they need back up. And by back up I mean something more akin to USO entertainment. Not actual battle buddies. Trust me, no one wants that. 

In the end, I doubt anyone is actually interested in what she and I are doing, but just in case we wanted to be prepared. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Sickies

Today, I feel a bit under the weather. 

What does that actually mean? I don't recall ever being over the weather, physically speaking.

It's a great day for a movie marathon & napping, with grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup! Who's with me?!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

F this, I'll be a stripper...

This was the start of a conversation with my friend Jax today. She's bought a stripper pole for her living room. 

Be still my heart

I simply cannot wait for the skin burns and uncontrollable laughter. And above all, the unmatched playlists! Look out world, this may cause a change in career paths!

A reflection of my friendships.

When friends send me things like this, it makes me exceptionally happy...

It's pictures and other nonsense like this that make me realize how good it is to be got.  Because there is more than one person in my life for which this is completely a possible scenario.  For that, I am BEYOND thankful.  I've never been one to take myself too seriously, and I'm glad there are a handful of people that recognize and capitalize on that fact.  If you have people in your life like this, you're doing something right.

Well done, friends.  Keep up the good work.

Monday, June 3, 2013

The Vortex of Online Dating Sites

This past weekend, I spent time with family and friends.  I celebrated birthdays and graduations and the general awesomeness that is our group.  I enjoyed the festivities greatly, and I'm increasingly thankful for the amazing support system of weirdos that I call my own.

In addition to that, I spent some time with the always delightful, Turtle.  We of course watched British TV shows, as that is a requirement of our friendship.  But we also stumbled upon "Plenty of Fish".  This is a website dedicated to bringing the lonely souls together.  (Be that for a night or a lifetime.)  The further into this journey we traveled, the more I questioned "How the hell is the human race still a thing?"  If you really take the time to look, it is startling.  I won't say that every single person on this site was a questionable soul, because some of them were attractive, funny or some combination of interesting.  However, the majority spoke to a part of my brain that screamed for complete words, correct grammar and self respect! (And that was just the women)

Turtle encouraged me to start my own account, just so we could make a comparison of the men.  And of course, I fell to peer pressure.  They make you chose an "intent" option when starting your account.  Not a single option says friendship.  Your choices range from easy to desperate in short measure.  And considering I'm not actually looking for anything, it was difficult to make a choice on intent without a certain level of guilt.

Within a matter of moments of completing my profile, I was reading messages from Alabama, Tennessee and Georgia's finest.  Some of these men were clever, I'll admit.  But mostly it was along the lines of "hey, ur hawt" and with each new message, I cringed.  After nearly 20 messages, I had to hide my account from searches.  I wanted to delete the entire account, but Hippo demanded that I wait until she could have a look herself.  We even discussed making a fake guy account, because we have nothing better to do with our time.
I guess we're all a little curious...

Monday, May 20, 2013

Rocket Girl (my weekend abroad - yes Alabama is 'abroad')

This past weekend, I went to visit Turtle in Huntsville, AL.
He's on the short list of people I'll go into Alabama for.

(Silliness ensued)

And he took me to play at NASA... because he's amazing, and I love nerdy things.

(Inside an RS-25 engine. That little circle above my head is where the fire would be. I'm pretty dangerous.)

We also watched a generally unnatural amount of television for me.  But it was British, and hilarious.  (An Idiot Abroad, if you're looking for something WONDERFUL to watch) We stayed in our pajamas most of the time I was there.  Talk about GLORIOUS.  There was even a moon bounce...

(shut up, it's not an air's a moon bounce)

So basically, the perfect weekend.  Great friend and laziness.  OH I almost forgot...

(freeze-dried astronaut foods!)

It's alright if you're envious.

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Wallflowers

Tonight, I gave the teenage version of myself one of her greatest gifts. (Sorry for the 16+ year delay, you know we're easily distracted) I took myself and my inner child to a Wallflowers' concert. 

This adventure proved satisfying for a few reasons...

First of all, Jakob Dylan, the son of Bob Dylan, and the receiver of some of the most gratifying genetics. Ever. I know not everyone agrees that either Mr. Dylan is attractive (or talented). And well, those people are stupid. 

Second, "white guy dancing". This type of moving is rarely rhythmic, and always hilarious. Honestly, when I feel badly about myself I go to concerts where I'm guaranteed that white guys will gather and sway and make awkward hand gestures to what they feel is in sync with the music. I would say "no sir", but then where would I find my happy place?!

Third, music. Oh. My. Music!! If you don't go to see live shows, you're probably dead inside. The energy, emotion and enigma. Nothing I've ever experienced gets to me quite the same.

Keep it magical! 

(Also, thanks to my soul sister, Jamie and the rock-n-roll princess Jax for going with me!!)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Class Participation

Hippo has recently started a new class in her journey for her Master's Degree. During this class, she's required to participate in the online discussions, and is asked to include her favorite bible verses, inspirational quotes and photos. She is then graded on her submissions.

I think I speak for the entire Southern Adventist University system when I say they are pleased as punch that I'm not a student there. These are my suggestions for favorite bible verses...

Malachi 2:3 - Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces...

Ezekiel 23:19-20 - Yet she became more and  more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.  There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

You're welcome.

Low Budget Wednesday

Generally speaking, Wednesday is my least favorite day of the week.  I get annoyed when people refer to it as "humpday" or that try to tell me "oh but you're halfway through the week!".  Fuck you and just stop it.

When I woke up this morning I was cranky and still tired from a night of fitful dreams and fighting monsters in my sleep.  I thought great, must be Wednesday...However, today the universe seems to have thrown me a bone. (pun kinda intended... humpday, ha!)

It all started with a wonderful tweet by Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) that said "when my little niece cries I tell her one day a japanese businessman will pay her to day that".  I share that here because, first I still find it incredibly funny and second it's my blog and the catalyst to my story. Initially I only planned to share that story with my friend, Turtle, because his sense of humor equals mine in warped perspective. Then! I got the unsuspecting pleasure of meeting the refrigerator repair man at my boss' house.  I know, I know already I'm being set up for a porn.  Turtle even suggested that I call and order a pizza  just to make things interesting.  I said "great my morning is going to end in a Chinese Finger Cuff". (Urban Dictionary that, I'm certainly not going to explain it)

If you did as you were told and went to Urban Dictionary the next part of this conversation will make sense, if you didn't good luck.

Turtle: Is there an official way of indicating you're ready to switch out? Is it like a wrestling high-five or...?
Me: Off the top rope! (Man I hope so)
Turtle: Haha. So do you organize the transitions or do the particiapants? I'm sure it would be difficult to speak. Maybe you do hand gestures? lol. Ok. I've officially taken it too far.
Me: Tap. Out.
Turtle: I give! I give!

Around this time I realize that the repair guy has had to call for back up.  I'm not kidding.  Let's call a plumber and a pool boy and get this party going!  Not to mention the uncomfortable amount of stuffed waterfowl throughout the house.  As I'm describing this scene to Turtle he says "Perfect setting.  Is there a hideous fur rug and a leather couch? That's the ultimate back drop for our story."

I swear, I can't make this shit up.  Sadly, not every Wednesday is like this.  It's a rare occasion that I walk onto a porno set.  There is a mighty lack of shiny, well lit orgasms in my life...

Monday, April 29, 2013

In a cracked nutshell.

This past weekend was laced with beauty but dominantly somber.

My aunt was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, that has spread to other parts of her body. She is in good spirits and cracking jokes about her soon to evolve relationship with marijuana. Knowing that this woman is handling this situation with humor and grace isn't a surprise to me. She is one of the strongest women I have ever met. Battling adversity and maneuvering hurdle after hurdle. It breaks my heart that she has yet another obstacle to endure...but I know she can handle it. Mentally and without wavering and with full acceptance. Because she has to. Because she is the strong one.

My sister also lost a baby girl, four months into her pregnancy. She is devastated. I have no words or advice in which to console her. I repeatedly assure her that I'm thinking of her, hurting for her and constantly cheering her on. She is also a strong and dedicated woman.

I can't help but draw parallel that the strongest women I know are continually challenged. And if there is some type of divine intervention, I hope it eases up...just a little...very soon. I don't say this from a place of doubt that these women will lose their ability to fight. I know that isn't possible. But I would love nothing more than for them to not be required to fight so hard or so often and with such desperation.

Because we, the strong ones, get tired too.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Did I mention the crazy?

It's been a crazy week, as I said yesterday. But today a new level of nuts emerged...

That north shore building is right next to where I live. Seriously, next door. It's also a building owned by the company I work for. The boss and I were the butt of jokes ALL day.

It reads in the article that one of the "ladies" is two months pregnant. What?? I don't feel confident that babies born in whore houses have a solid foundation on which to build. Then again, it's the oldest profession in the world and often a family business. So maybe she was securing her legacy. Atta girl!

I'm don't support human trafficking, or the drugs and underage victim stigma often associated with this topic. BUT, I can't really be upset if two consenting adults exchange these services for money. And from what I understand, that was the case.

That being said, I feel I can tell you I'm pretty sure I was a Madame in a past life...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Wednesday - My greatest struggle of the week.

Halfway through the week and mostly I'm just exhausted. Work has been a mad house as several projects are going on at once... it's the Wise way.

I'm looking forward to next weekend in the Savannah area with my hippo. We always feel we deserve a jaunt to the ocean. And we totally do. Plus she gets to meet Mr. Bravo, and I'm quite stoked about that business. 3 dominant personalities, one house. I feel a first aide kit is in order for the luggage.

Friday, I have my meeting with the Global Entry, Trusted Traveler Network. I'm excited. "Rigorous government background check", who wouldn't be stoked? Why is it that I'm fully aware my background is clean, yet I'm still nervous. Something about proving myself, and the obnoxiously long list of answers I gave to their extensive application.  What if I get anxious and screw up a date, or address.  I've moved like a million times in 10 years.  I can't remember all that shit!

Stay tuned!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Google let's me down, and other weekend festivities.

As my weekend is coming to an end, I'm doing a little recollection of the events. Quality time with Hippo, my BFF, makeup shopping for summer faces...CHECK. Quality time with the BFF harassing my extremely shy and attractive neighbor, Huck...CHECK. Deleting a couple hundred people from the Facebook friend's list...CHECK. Making my interest in John Stamos increasingly creepy...CHECK

(There is no online Rent-a-Stamos on Google, in case you were wondering)