Resurfacing.

Finding your voice can be difficult. Taking the retribution for your voice can be damaging. Acknowledging your worth takes practice. Fighting for self preservation can be exhausting.

I try to never make myself look like a victim. I don't share my stories for pity or protection. I share them to break the silence. I speak in case someone needs the courage. I speak because silence is a casket. It's a fucking death trap where you drown in your misery and solitude. Or at least that's how my silence feels. 

Maybe yours feels like puppies and kittens. Good for you. Stay silent. 

Everything in me knows my past is a burden to myself and often other people. No one wants to know the magnitude of evils the world is capable of. And I've worked long and hard to fight and hide from those evils. I won't be made to feel guilty for owning my past and knowing that repeating it would be a folly of my own creation. 

Someone told me tonight, "you think you're SO unique and SO wounded... you're so wrapped up in what you think is your tough story, as well as your sick dependence on your friends..." The person continued on about my alleged short comings and the reasons why I'm not a fit and honest person. 

I must admit, it's never easy when someone's true feelings about you surface in such a volatile way. But I harbor no ill feelings toward his definition of my character. I do not understand him anymore than he understands me. But as I stare at this impasse I am thankful for my unique and wounded soul, as well as my sick dependence on my friends. For through it all, they have held me up.

UPDATE: The original post had to be edited/deleted but I saved these comments from a couple dear friends:

Happy Update

I've been house and dog sitting for Mr. Duff this week. I like how much his house feels like home, even with the severe lack of my cat and personal things. But I nest well here. He's got a beautiful life on this little island, and I'm glad that he often shares it with me.

    Just me & Kaiser, playing up the lens. 

Work is going really well, we're starting new projects and are in a constant flourish at all hours. My coworkers are excellent characters, and I'm grateful for the teamwork that lacks animosity. 

I feel calm and quiet. I laugh more. 

I do wish for the distance to not seem so far between me and a handful of loved ones I left in Chattanooga, but sadly my magic only works by pure accident. If I could get control of that nonsense... damn I'd be the winningest girl around. 

A reflection of my friendships.

When friends send me things like this, it makes me exceptionally happy...

It's pictures and other nonsense like this that make me realize how good it is to be got.  Because there is more than one person in my life for which this is completely a possible scenario.  For that, I am BEYOND thankful.  I've never been one to take myself too seriously, and I'm glad there are a handful of people that recognize and capitalize on that fact.  If you have people in your life like this, you're doing something right.

Well done, friends.  Keep up the good work.

The Vortex of Online Dating Sites

This past weekend, I spent time with family and friends.  I celebrated birthdays and graduations and the general awesomeness that is our group.  I enjoyed the festivities greatly, and I'm increasingly thankful for the amazing support system of weirdos that I call my own.

In addition to that, I spent some time with the always delightful, Turtle.  We of course watched British TV shows, as that is a requirement of our friendship.  But we also stumbled upon "Plenty of Fish".  This is a website dedicated to bringing the lonely souls together.  (Be that for a night or a lifetime.)  The further into this journey we traveled, the more I questioned "How the hell is the human race still a thing?"  If you really take the time to look, it is startling.  I won't say that every single person on this site was a questionable soul, because some of them were attractive, funny or some combination of interesting.  However, the majority spoke to a part of my brain that screamed for complete words, correct grammar and self respect! (And that was just the women)

Turtle encouraged me to start my own account, just so we could make a comparison of the men.  And of course, I fell to peer pressure.  They make you chose an "intent" option when starting your account.  Not a single option says friendship.  Your choices range from easy to desperate in short measure.  And considering I'm not actually looking for anything, it was difficult to make a choice on intent without a certain level of guilt.

Within a matter of moments of completing my profile, I was reading messages from Alabama, Tennessee and Georgia's finest.  Some of these men were clever, I'll admit.  But mostly it was along the lines of "hey, ur hawt" and with each new message, I cringed.  After nearly 20 messages, I had to hide my account from searches.  I wanted to delete the entire account, but Hippo demanded that I wait until she could have a look herself.  We even discussed making a fake guy account, because we have nothing better to do with our time.
I guess we're all a little curious...