Monday, September 7, 2015

New friends made? ZERO.

Last night, I went into a local gas station wearing shorts and a 3/4 sleeved top. I was picking up ice and soda for a BBQ for which I was enroute. 

While inside, a scraggly young man continuously leered in my direction. Looking as confused as he was interested. 
He was dressed in an oversized black tshirt, with some type of haunting graphic, featuring skulls and swirls of smoke and I assume "magic". 

He was also adorned with many, I can smartly assume, less than professional tattoos on his neck and arms. 

When he finally speaks, it was to say "You don't look like the type of girl that should have tattoos."

In my surprised and annoyed state I quickly responded "You don't look like the type of man whose opinions matter to me."

It's abundantly clear that I'm not great at holding my tongue, or making new friends...

Monday, July 20, 2015

Overdue Review...

1. I am not a liberal feminist. This seems to surprise people. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in equal rights, but the constitution already provided for that in the 14th Amendment. If you need a bunch of rich old white men to validate you as a special class, you're still thinking incorrectly. 

2. I'm also not feminist because I think it's okay that I want men to hold the door open for me, pump my gas, and wait for my meal to get to the table before they start eating. (Among a few other things) It's etiquette, not oppression. 

3. Corporate office setting are breeding grounds for hostility, envy, jealousy, and stupidity. If I had time to do half the scandalous things I'm accused of, I could be rich by teaching a course on time management and efficiency. 

4. The art of letter writing should be revived. Who wants mail? And who wants to be my pen pal? I don't care if we live in the same city... 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

First 6 Thoughts I Had This Morning.

1. I'm inexplicably attached to the website I crave the daily emails and pour over the goods like a mad woman. I've ordered several things, and each has been as lovely in person as they are through the viewfinder of my magical Mac products. 

2. Getting random gift cards via email, from essentially a stranger, is confusing. I can't decide if spending their money only reinforces the behavior. I want the pretty dress, but I feel like I'm accepting a bribe. 

3. I've been blonde for two weeks. I'm going back red. I feel like an imposter as a blonde and I'm uncomfortable with my own reflection. 

4. My happiness is fueled by traveling. And seeing people that I love. 

5. I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy since McDreamy died. I don't even miss it. Just him. Forming attachments to fictional characters is a problem. 

6. I am not an accountant. I am not an accountant. I am not...fuck, I'm an accountant. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Blackout Brunch.

New Orleans is a magical place. 

One can easily lose hours, or even days when visiting. 

On my most recent visit, I only lost hours, in what will forever be fondly referred to as "Blackout Brunch". I no longer trust bottomless mimosas, or gay men wielding drinks called "The Beyoncé".

You shouldn't either. (Ever)

(The drag queens, performing at brunch, hold no responsibility for my demise.)

I went to sleep (passed out) in a bathroom stall (fully clothed) of The Country Club, was later escorted out (by man in his underwear) and driven home by lovely strangers (that called me oppressive). 

I don't recall any names, or even the color of the car I went home in. But I do know the interior of the car was leather as that delicious smell never escapes me. I also recall that one of my rescuers held my hand the entire way from Bywater to Uptown. 

The remainder of the weekend was spent wandering with my Mix Tape, dining in truck beds, watching movies at 4am, and receiving hour long foot massages from a small Asian man. 

Every moment was precious. Even the fuzzy ones. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

The Lists Go On.

1. Sometimes a haircut requires two bottles of wine, a brave couple of best friends, a trusted advisor, and the kitchen of your childhood.

2. Reigniting my love for Dave Matthews Band hasn't made me feel the least bit guilty. I don't care what the Negative Nancy's say, the band makes me happy and they're genius.

3. Spending holidays with my ex-boyfriend isn't conventional, but it sure is fun. He's adorable, I love him, and his family is the best. The "ex-hangover" was 90% worth it, and I like those odds.

4. Horses. Always a good idea. Seriously, look at these two...

Brotherly love at Peavine Creek Ranch.

5. This made me laugh for easily 10 minutes. (Every time I watch...)

Get. It. Girl.

6. And this... well this might be the sexiest thing I've ever read...

If you were a book
I'd lick my fingers
and flip your pages,

until your spine creased
and you lay spent,
with nothing left to offer.
Then, I'd cup you in my palms
and read you again.

It's all about balance.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Fever Hallucinations

Several years ago, I lived in a 450 square foot apartment, in East Brainerd, TN. (Which seemed small until my 280 square foot carriage house in Savannah, GA.) It had two rooms, three if you count the bathroom. The kitchen wasn't a galley so much as a row of cabinets, sink, stove and fridge all along one wall that opened into the living room. Which also served as the dining room, and guest room. I must say that I've always been great at making the best of a space... The other room was the bedroom, which was quite large, with a walk-in-closet and access to the bathroom. The shower/tub had one of those sliding doors with the frosted glass that always made me feel dirty.

At the time, I worked in a retail store, and was going through training to become a massage therapist. I worked full time, went to school full time, and partied full time. Looking back, I'm amazed at the stamina I had compared to now. Youth truly is wasted on the young.

There must have been a break in classes that coincided with some time off from work, because it took about 36 hours before anyone started looking for me. I happen to be one of those people that if certain folks don't hear from me, almost daily, they tend to send out the hounds. As it would turn out, luckily so, I'm also one of those people that gives out keys to my apartment freely to friends that may or may not ever need them. (I lived alone then, still do, and I'm in constant fear of my body not being found and my cat eating my face. In my mind, my daily annoyances and people having keys lessens my chances of total decomposition. I'd like to leave a pretty corpse...)

While my friends, unbeknownst to me, were trying to figure out the last person to hear from me, I was trapped in my apartment with walking pneumonia. A terribly wretched condition, that will sometimes cause you to crack your own ribs from coughing. It comes with a fever, and by this time mine was at an exhausting 105. (107 is apparently the point at which brain damage sets in, just in case you ever wanted to know) With my friends being none the wiser, I was laying in my bathtub, dirty frosted glass protecting me, having some fairly intense hallucinations.

I was convinced that my mother was in my apartment, trying to soothe me and make me well. (At least that's what hallucinated mommy told me.) However, I knew my mother had been dead for a VERY long time, and I was convinced she was trying to kill me and take me to "the other side". (It's a genuine concern given her history.) So I locked myself in the bathroom, closed the shower doors, and was yelling for my cat, Banana Pants, to bring my cell phone so that we could call for help.

And that's where I was found. Crying, in the tub about how worthless my cat is sans basic understanding of the human language and that my mother would finally win my soul. My friends had sent a police officer. (He was also a friend, had a key to my apartment, and they thought would be the best person to call if I were in fact missing...)

I remember him laughing at me, and condescendingly calling me "baby", while dragging me out of the bathroom. He stayed for another 24 hours, by my side. (Because he is a good man, and I most likely threatened his life...)

The officer ended up sick about a week later, but I didn't offer to take care of him. I'm not an idiot, I didn't want that coming back home with me! I sent another friend instead. Luckily the cycle didn't continue and we're all still speaking to each other. For now.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

He went to Jared, and I took it back...

It's a known fact among my friends that I date on a sliding scale. I don't have a "type". However, it is fair to say I have a not at all my type. The not my type's include (but are not limited to) the ridiculously immature, unmotivated, and humorless.

A couple years ago I was dating a man whom evaded every mark on my "not" list. He was handsome, intelligent AND educated, witty, gregarious, and adored me. (I still kick myself for seeing how delightfully magic he was far too late...) In addition to all his wondrous elite character, he was also an excellent gift giver. Most of the time.

One year, for Christmas, he bought a beautiful necklace and charm for me. I say it was beautiful, because by all standards, it was. It was a heart, covered in sparkly diamonds on a thin silver thread. Sadly, I don't particularly fancy diamonds. Or hearts. Luckily, another fine attribute of this man was his graciousness. He told me I could return the gift if I didn't like it, and he meant that genuinely with no hard feelings.

A friend of mine escorted me to the store, Jared's, as I figured I might want assistance in picking out something new, and I don't always love dealing with retail employees in certain settings. Over-priced box store jewelers is one of those settings... So off we went, backup in tow!

Upon entering the store, I was put off by the overhead bright lights and the not always fresh smell of dry cleaned suits. We were greeted by an associate, eager to assist, until he realized I wasn't there to purchase. I explained that I wanted to exchange a gift and he took us to the back of the store, away from the eyes and ears of others, to look up the transaction.

I didn't have the receipt, but I obviously knew the customer's name. I also knew that he had shopped in this store before and they could likely find it that way. I gave the associate my beau's name and he was unable to find it. I spelled it out more clearly, as he doesn't have a common name and even offered to write it down. Still nothing.

I looked sheepishly at my friend, then laughed, perhaps manically, and suggested that the associate look up the name of the gentleman's wife...


After a few uncomfortable clearings of his throat, the associate located the boyfriend's name, horribly misspelled, and account. There at the end of a long list of transactions was my necklace... which I exchanged for a beautiful pearl faced Citizen watch and a pair of pearl earrings.

I still wear both. Almost daily.

On April Fool's Day, But Totally Legit

Another few days have passed, and I've made some further observations into my life...

1. New underwear makes me unreasonably happy. Almost no one sees my underwear, so it really is a personal sublimity. I get giddy and excited no matter the material, style, or cost.

2. I've found that it is 100% acceptable to cancel dinner plans AND ask for a present in the same conversation. It boils down to knowing your crowd...

3. I like potatoes in ALL forms. Fried, boiled, mashed and vodka... they all count and they're all delicious.

4. I received a little photo-quote from a friend of mine that said "you're going to be someone's favorite author". It made me almost cry. It almost made me profoundly thankful for supportive friends.

5. My favorite color is still BLUE, and I can't imagine another color more full of meaning and life.

6. I drive past my parents graves on a regular basis. 99% of the time, I wave. It makes me laugh, and I know it would make them laugh too. Last week I drove by and flipped them off. It was a bad day. I still think they would have laughed.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

7 thoughts from my past "week".

Alright... It's been a little over a week, but whatever - let's review some things.

1. I recently had a discussion with someone about my ex-husband's new wife. (the original husband, for anyone keeping track.) And as I described her, my friend said "You're a unicorn and she's a nutter". I think that basically sums up my entire life with most friends/exes wives.

2. The same "friend" from above invited me over for brunch recently, and said he'd make lamb. (Yes I find that to be an odd brunch item too) I had to decline the invite, but asked if I could still have the lamb. He said "You can keep the leg. I'm more into physiologically anonymous meat.". That basically sums up how I feel about meat too.

**It was brought to my attention by aforementioned friend that he invited me to TWO different engagements (brunch and/or dinner) and that he does not serve lamb for brunch. We all know, all he has to do is offer me food, I don't care when or where...**

3. It's a little known matter of fact that you can find a Steve Harvey photo to answer basically any text message that a friend sends to you. It brings me great JOY. And confuses the hell out of some people.

4. Recently a friend posted a photo of her and her son at a "Muffins with Mommy" event. I'm guessing it's the counter to all these recent "Dancing with Daddy" things. Any excuse to throw a party, huh?! Which brings me to my next question... I wonder how many people would show up for "Muffins with Mayo" or maybe "Margaritas with Mayo" is more appropriate... thoughts?

5. It's no secret that I collect bad decisions (adventures) like most people collect tchotchke (stuff you don't need). But I don't go getting all judgmental because you like to collect frogs, so back off. (Fine, I get a little judgmental- but only because why collect frogs when you can collect adventures?!)

6. I know that my head and heart are fragile as eggshells. Mostly my heart. My head is fairly sturdy and trusty. But my heart, well she's a big ol' mess. So, I've signed her up for self-defense classes... (Essentially some yoga and dance, but highly effective methods of exalting goddess like qualities!)

7. I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to refer to all men named Brad as B-Rad.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

My Weekend Rear View.

I've decided to start doing hindsight updates. You know, go over some highlights for the past few days or so. My attempt are making this space once again relevant to my life...

1. I've begun starting each day in Superhero Pose. I got the idea from a TV show and find it to be rather rewarding. Feet planted firmly, hands on hips, chin lifted, chest out, and gazing at my future. It's powerful. And entertaining. 

2. My friend Shandi pointed out that as girls, we are protective of our kind. She put it best this week by saying "somehow a friend's vagina is always just more precious than your own". It's true. I don't like when my friends get dicked around, and vice versa. 

3. Playing in the woods with a strong man friend is probably one of the most therapeutic things I've done in a long time. I might have come home bruised about my ribs and smelling like a dirty hippie, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

4. Breakfast for dinner is still one of the best choices one can make. Honestly, go make eggs and pancakes. You won't regret it. 

5. My best friend just turned 30. She doesn't even realize how awesome that is. Life changes. Embrace that shit. 

I know there are more things I should talk about, but it's late. I'm taking my happy and rejuvenated ass to bed. ❤️