Resurfacing.

Finding your voice can be difficult. Taking the retribution for your voice can be damaging. Acknowledging your worth takes practice. Fighting for self preservation can be exhausting.

I try to never make myself look like a victim. I don't share my stories for pity or protection. I share them to break the silence. I speak in case someone needs the courage. I speak because silence is a casket. It's a fucking death trap where you drown in your misery and solitude. Or at least that's how my silence feels. 

Maybe yours feels like puppies and kittens. Good for you. Stay silent. 

Everything in me knows my past is a burden to myself and often other people. No one wants to know the magnitude of evils the world is capable of. And I've worked long and hard to fight and hide from those evils. I won't be made to feel guilty for owning my past and knowing that repeating it would be a folly of my own creation. 

Someone told me tonight, "you think you're SO unique and SO wounded... you're so wrapped up in what you think is your tough story, as well as your sick dependence on your friends..." The person continued on about my alleged short comings and the reasons why I'm not a fit and honest person. 

I must admit, it's never easy when someone's true feelings about you surface in such a volatile way. But I harbor no ill feelings toward his definition of my character. I do not understand him anymore than he understands me. But as I stare at this impasse I am thankful for my unique and wounded soul, as well as my sick dependence on my friends. For through it all, they have held me up.

UPDATE: The original post had to be edited/deleted but I saved these comments from a couple dear friends:

Simple struggles & gratitude

Things I'm not enjoying about my new (and current) situation...

1. I don't see my Banana Pants everyday. Nor have I slept with her in over a week. I have separation anxiety from my cat, yes. Stop judging me. 

2. I have no kitchen, or place to cook food. However, it's made me incredibly thankful to my generous "family" that continues to take care of me.

3. I miss the comfort of knowing my Hippo is only minutes away, instead of hours. But I am happy that her home is now filled with my art & that she sees pieces of me everyday. I can't wait to have a place with pieces of her as well.

4. I miss my Turtle. He is me, and I'm him. It's good to be got. And frankly there isn't a need for further elaboration. 

5. I long for my other close friends that are great dinner, lunch & breakfast dates. My Ninja, Huck & the Perfusionist. I'm still getting my bearings here, and their willingness to try fun things with me is greatly missed right now. 

Luckily, Mr. Duff has been more than willing to take me fun & nice places and my list of happy food places is growing. 

Things I am enjoying...

1. Being in a place that feels at peace with me after so many restless years. 

2. Knowing that the people above will find their way to me soon and that I'll get to show off this great city. 

3. That my life is truly magical. The proof is in the amazing support system I have that stretches beyond what I ever imagined possible. 

4. Knowing that I am appreciated at work, even after only 4 days. I haven't felt that way in ages and its good. 

Life has always been a challenge for me. I've always felt like I'm in survival mode. A little scavenger. And while that may always be true, today I feel less pressure.