Monday, June 24, 2013

Amazon Preacher Lady. The Purple Edition.

Friday afternoon, on my way to the coast, I stopped south of Atlanta to get gas and some Jesus Chicken Lemonade. That's what Hippo and I call Chick-fil-a, Jesus Chicken, because we're convinced there's granulated idol in there or people wouldn't be so damn uptight about it. I mean other than their blatant disregard for equality. But I'm sorry, that place is good and I'm weak. So weak.

When I walked into Chick-fil-a I headed straight to the little sinner's room. When I walked in, there at the sink was an Amazonian sized black woman. She was styled neck to ankle in purple clothes with hot pink zebra wedges and an Afro. She looked me up and down and exclaimed "even a heathen know where to find good food, thank you lord!"

I couldn't help but laugh and agree. I finished my business and walked to the line...where I stood behind her.

This is what follows: (also please read anything she says in your best southern, black, preacher voice)

Lady (in purple): Can I get a LARGE ice water and some ice. cream. dream?
Cashier: Yes ma'am. My pleasure. Would you like that in a cup or cone? Small or large?
Lady: In a cone of course. And a small, please.  I've gotta watch this figure. (pause for dramatic effect) For my Sugar. Daddy. (drop a hip and nod of the head and a slight duck face)
Cashier: *smiles and looks confused*
Lady: (turning around to me) Last night I was in bed with my Lover... The. Bible. (another hip drop)
Me: Oh. My. Well I've never heard of that book in such a term. A lover, you say?
Lady: Oh yes, child... nothing has ever been so satisfying
Me: *mumbling* I suppose I must have read it wrong...
Lady: (upon seeing the ice cream cone) Oh no, no, no. That will not do! I need a professional ice cream maker over here. No, no that will not do. I need it taller.  Don't be afraid to put a little swirl in that! Amen.
Lady: (again, to me) I had dream about our President. Ba-rack. He was standing on a hill, with another man. And our President of these United States had his right hand stretched out. Reaching toward that other man.  But that other man he did not reach back to our Commander and Chief, no he did not. And Mr. Obama, he fell. I woke up, confused. And I said Oh LORD, what does this mean? And the lord said, sister it means you can't trust a man, not even one right in front of you. MmHm. That's right
Lady: (upon seeing her second ice cream cone) Oh no.  That's won't due either! I need it tall.  I want all one hundred and twenty three cents worth of ice cream that I paid for.
Cashier: Ma'am you paid for a small, that is a small.
Lady: Well, I think it's an extra small. And you are serving ROYALTY. Amen. Thank you Jesus.

In the end, the purple lady gets an extra large ice cream cone. MmHm. That's right.


  1. PRAYZ SHEEzus-uh.
    "I was in best last night. With my lovah..."
    I hope that "lover" was scotch-guarded.
    *hip drop*

    1. It was honestly one of the more entertaining moments that I can recall in recent history.
      Nobody puts Amazon Preacher Lady in a corner!