Several years ago, I lived in a 450 square foot apartment, in East Brainerd, TN. (Which seemed small until my 280 square foot carriage house in Savannah, GA.) It had two rooms, three if you count the bathroom. The kitchen wasn't a galley so much as a row of cabinets, sink, stove and fridge all along one wall that opened into the living room. Which also served as the dining room, and guest room. I must say that I've always been great at making the best of a space... The other room was the bedroom, which was quite large, with a walk-in-closet and access to the bathroom. The shower/tub had one of those sliding doors with the frosted glass that always made me feel dirty.
At the time, I worked in a retail store, and was going through training to become a massage therapist. I worked full time, went to school full time, and partied full time. Looking back, I'm amazed at the stamina I had compared to now. Youth truly is wasted on the young.
There must have been a break in classes that coincided with some time off from work, because it took about 36 hours before anyone started looking for me. I happen to be one of those people that if certain folks don't hear from me, almost daily, they tend to send out the hounds. As it would turn out, luckily so, I'm also one of those people that gives out keys to my apartment freely to friends that may or may not ever need them. (I lived alone then, still do, and I'm in constant fear of my body not being found and my cat eating my face. In my mind, my daily annoyances and people having keys lessens my chances of total decomposition. I'd like to leave a pretty corpse...)
While my friends, unbeknownst to me, were trying to figure out the last person to hear from me, I was trapped in my apartment with walking pneumonia. A terribly wretched condition, that will sometimes cause you to crack your own ribs from coughing. It comes with a fever, and by this time mine was at an exhausting 105. (107 is apparently the point at which brain damage sets in, just in case you ever wanted to know) With my friends being none the wiser, I was laying in my bathtub, dirty frosted glass protecting me, having some fairly intense hallucinations.
I was convinced that my mother was in my apartment, trying to soothe me and make me well. (At least that's what hallucinated mommy told me.) However, I knew my mother had been dead for a VERY long time, and I was convinced she was trying to kill me and take me to "the other side". (It's a genuine concern given her history.) So I locked myself in the bathroom, closed the shower doors, and was yelling for my cat, Banana Pants, to bring my cell phone so that we could call for help.
And that's where I was found. Crying, in the tub about how worthless my cat is sans basic understanding of the human language and that my mother would finally win my soul. My friends had sent a police officer. (He was also a friend, had a key to my apartment, and they thought would be the best person to call if I were in fact missing...)
I remember him laughing at me, and condescendingly calling me "baby", while dragging me out of the bathroom. He stayed for another 24 hours, by my side. (Because he is a good man, and I most likely threatened his life...)
The officer ended up sick about a week later, but I didn't offer to take care of him. I'm not an idiot, I didn't want that coming back home with me! I sent another friend instead. Luckily the cycle didn't continue and we're all still speaking to each other. For now.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
He went to Jared, and I took it back...
It's a known fact among my friends that I date on a sliding scale. I don't have a "type". However, it is fair to say I have a not at all my type. The not my type's include (but are not limited to) the ridiculously immature, unmotivated, and humorless.
A couple years ago I was dating a man whom evaded every mark on my "not" list. He was handsome, intelligent AND educated, witty, gregarious, and adored me. (I still kick myself for seeing how delightfully magic he was far too late...) In addition to all his wondrous elite character, he was also an excellent gift giver. Most of the time.
One year, for Christmas, he bought a beautiful necklace and charm for me. I say it was beautiful, because by all standards, it was. It was a heart, covered in sparkly diamonds on a thin silver thread. Sadly, I don't particularly fancy diamonds. Or hearts. Luckily, another fine attribute of this man was his graciousness. He told me I could return the gift if I didn't like it, and he meant that genuinely with no hard feelings.
A friend of mine escorted me to the store, Jared's, as I figured I might want assistance in picking out something new, and I don't always love dealing with retail employees in certain settings. Over-priced box store jewelers is one of those settings... So off we went, backup in tow!
Upon entering the store, I was put off by the overhead bright lights and the not always fresh smell of dry cleaned suits. We were greeted by an associate, eager to assist, until he realized I wasn't there to purchase. I explained that I wanted to exchange a gift and he took us to the back of the store, away from the eyes and ears of others, to look up the transaction.
I didn't have the receipt, but I obviously knew the customer's name. I also knew that he had shopped in this store before and they could likely find it that way. I gave the associate my beau's name and he was unable to find it. I spelled it out more clearly, as he doesn't have a common name and even offered to write it down. Still nothing.
I looked sheepishly at my friend, then laughed, perhaps manically, and suggested that the associate look up the name of the gentleman's wife...
BINGO!
After a few uncomfortable clearings of his throat, the associate located the boyfriend's name, horribly misspelled, and account. There at the end of a long list of transactions was my necklace... which I exchanged for a beautiful pearl faced Citizen watch and a pair of pearl earrings.
I still wear both. Almost daily.
A couple years ago I was dating a man whom evaded every mark on my "not" list. He was handsome, intelligent AND educated, witty, gregarious, and adored me. (I still kick myself for seeing how delightfully magic he was far too late...) In addition to all his wondrous elite character, he was also an excellent gift giver. Most of the time.
One year, for Christmas, he bought a beautiful necklace and charm for me. I say it was beautiful, because by all standards, it was. It was a heart, covered in sparkly diamonds on a thin silver thread. Sadly, I don't particularly fancy diamonds. Or hearts. Luckily, another fine attribute of this man was his graciousness. He told me I could return the gift if I didn't like it, and he meant that genuinely with no hard feelings.
A friend of mine escorted me to the store, Jared's, as I figured I might want assistance in picking out something new, and I don't always love dealing with retail employees in certain settings. Over-priced box store jewelers is one of those settings... So off we went, backup in tow!
Upon entering the store, I was put off by the overhead bright lights and the not always fresh smell of dry cleaned suits. We were greeted by an associate, eager to assist, until he realized I wasn't there to purchase. I explained that I wanted to exchange a gift and he took us to the back of the store, away from the eyes and ears of others, to look up the transaction.
I didn't have the receipt, but I obviously knew the customer's name. I also knew that he had shopped in this store before and they could likely find it that way. I gave the associate my beau's name and he was unable to find it. I spelled it out more clearly, as he doesn't have a common name and even offered to write it down. Still nothing.
I looked sheepishly at my friend, then laughed, perhaps manically, and suggested that the associate look up the name of the gentleman's wife...
BINGO!
After a few uncomfortable clearings of his throat, the associate located the boyfriend's name, horribly misspelled, and account. There at the end of a long list of transactions was my necklace... which I exchanged for a beautiful pearl faced Citizen watch and a pair of pearl earrings.
I still wear both. Almost daily.
On April Fool's Day, But Totally Legit
Another few days have passed, and I've made some further observations into my life...
1. New underwear makes me unreasonably happy. Almost no one sees my underwear, so it really is a personal sublimity. I get giddy and excited no matter the material, style, or cost.
2. I've found that it is 100% acceptable to cancel dinner plans AND ask for a present in the same conversation. It boils down to knowing your crowd...
3. I like potatoes in ALL forms. Fried, boiled, mashed and vodka... they all count and they're all delicious.
4. I received a little photo-quote from a friend of mine that said "you're going to be someone's favorite author". It made me almost cry. It almost made me profoundly thankful for supportive friends.
5. My favorite color is still BLUE, and I can't imagine another color more full of meaning and life.
6. I drive past my parents graves on a regular basis. 99% of the time, I wave. It makes me laugh, and I know it would make them laugh too. Last week I drove by and flipped them off. It was a bad day. I still think they would have laughed.
1. New underwear makes me unreasonably happy. Almost no one sees my underwear, so it really is a personal sublimity. I get giddy and excited no matter the material, style, or cost.
2. I've found that it is 100% acceptable to cancel dinner plans AND ask for a present in the same conversation. It boils down to knowing your crowd...
3. I like potatoes in ALL forms. Fried, boiled, mashed and vodka... they all count and they're all delicious.
4. I received a little photo-quote from a friend of mine that said "you're going to be someone's favorite author". It made me almost cry. It almost made me profoundly thankful for supportive friends.
5. My favorite color is still BLUE, and I can't imagine another color more full of meaning and life.
6. I drive past my parents graves on a regular basis. 99% of the time, I wave. It makes me laugh, and I know it would make them laugh too. Last week I drove by and flipped them off. It was a bad day. I still think they would have laughed.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
7 thoughts from my past "week".
Alright... It's been a little over a week, but whatever - let's review some things.
1. I recently had a discussion with someone about my ex-husband's new wife. (the original husband, for anyone keeping track.) And as I described her, my friend said "You're a unicorn and she's a nutter". I think that basically sums up my entire life with most friends/exes wives.
2. The same "friend" from above invited me over for brunch recently, and said he'd make lamb. (Yes I find that to be an odd brunch item too) I had to decline the invite, but asked if I could still have the lamb. He said "You can keep the leg. I'm more into physiologically anonymous meat.". That basically sums up how I feel about meat too.
**It was brought to my attention by aforementioned friend that he invited me to TWO different engagements (brunch and/or dinner) and that he does not serve lamb for brunch. We all know, all he has to do is offer me food, I don't care when or where...**
3. It's a little known matter of fact that you can find a Steve Harvey photo to answer basically any text message that a friend sends to you. It brings me great JOY. And confuses the hell out of some people.
4. Recently a friend posted a photo of her and her son at a "Muffins with Mommy" event. I'm guessing it's the counter to all these recent "Dancing with Daddy" things. Any excuse to throw a party, huh?! Which brings me to my next question... I wonder how many people would show up for "Muffins with Mayo" or maybe "Margaritas with Mayo" is more appropriate... thoughts?
5. It's no secret that I collect bad decisions (adventures) like most people collect tchotchke (stuff you don't need). But I don't go getting all judgmental because you like to collect frogs, so back off. (Fine, I get a little judgmental- but only because why collect frogs when you can collect adventures?!)
6. I know that my head and heart are fragile as eggshells. Mostly my heart. My head is fairly sturdy and trusty. But my heart, well she's a big ol' mess. So, I've signed her up for self-defense classes... (Essentially some yoga and dance, but highly effective methods of exalting goddess like qualities!)
7. I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to refer to all men named Brad as B-Rad.
1. I recently had a discussion with someone about my ex-husband's new wife. (the original husband, for anyone keeping track.) And as I described her, my friend said "You're a unicorn and she's a nutter". I think that basically sums up my entire life with most friends/exes wives.
2. The same "friend" from above invited me over for brunch recently, and said he'd make lamb. (Yes I find that to be an odd brunch item too) I had to decline the invite, but asked if I could still have the lamb. He said "You can keep the leg. I'm more into physiologically anonymous meat.". That basically sums up how I feel about meat too.
**It was brought to my attention by aforementioned friend that he invited me to TWO different engagements (brunch and/or dinner) and that he does not serve lamb for brunch. We all know, all he has to do is offer me food, I don't care when or where...**
3. It's a little known matter of fact that you can find a Steve Harvey photo to answer basically any text message that a friend sends to you. It brings me great JOY. And confuses the hell out of some people.
4. Recently a friend posted a photo of her and her son at a "Muffins with Mommy" event. I'm guessing it's the counter to all these recent "Dancing with Daddy" things. Any excuse to throw a party, huh?! Which brings me to my next question... I wonder how many people would show up for "Muffins with Mayo" or maybe "Margaritas with Mayo" is more appropriate... thoughts?
5. It's no secret that I collect bad decisions (adventures) like most people collect tchotchke (stuff you don't need). But I don't go getting all judgmental because you like to collect frogs, so back off. (Fine, I get a little judgmental- but only because why collect frogs when you can collect adventures?!)
6. I know that my head and heart are fragile as eggshells. Mostly my heart. My head is fairly sturdy and trusty. But my heart, well she's a big ol' mess. So, I've signed her up for self-defense classes... (Essentially some yoga and dance, but highly effective methods of exalting goddess like qualities!)
7. I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to refer to all men named Brad as B-Rad.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
My Weekend Rear View.
I've decided to start doing hindsight updates. You know, go over some highlights for the past few days or so. My attempt are making this space once again relevant to my life...
1. I've begun starting each day in Superhero Pose. I got the idea from a TV show and find it to be rather rewarding. Feet planted firmly, hands on hips, chin lifted, chest out, and gazing at my future. It's powerful. And entertaining.
2. My friend Shandi pointed out that as girls, we are protective of our kind. She put it best this week by saying "somehow a friend's vagina is always just more precious than your own". It's true. I don't like when my friends get dicked around, and vice versa.
3. Playing in the woods with a strong man friend is probably one of the most therapeutic things I've done in a long time. I might have come home bruised about my ribs and smelling like a dirty hippie, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
4. Breakfast for dinner is still one of the best choices one can make. Honestly, go make eggs and pancakes. You won't regret it.
5. My best friend just turned 30. She doesn't even realize how awesome that is. Life changes. Embrace that shit.
I know there are more things I should talk about, but it's late. I'm taking my happy and rejuvenated ass to bed. ❤️
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Adventures in Waxing. With Jesus.
Yesterday I decided to be adventurous and have my waxing done at a new location.
I figure, why not trust my vagina to strangers wielding hot wax?! You only live once!!
I enter this north shore establishment, and I'm overstimulated by the hot pink walls and gaudy decor. Welcome to Basic Girl Mecca.
The woman I was scheduled to see was running behind with a full body wax, and I could wait or take another employee. Being that I have no loyalties, I decided to go ahead with the available gal.
She is a beautiful black girl. With natural hair in a tamed Afro, great make up skills and positive energy. She instructs me to undress from the waist down, climb up on the table and she'll be right back.
In most salons, they offer a courtesy towel to cover your bits for modesty. Well, not at this pink palace - you bare all.
She returns to the room and we commence into non committal chit chat. Where are you from, what do you, are you married? I answer politely, while my legs are in the butterfly position and she's slathering on hard wax in my headquarters region.
She starts to tell me about her life, and how she's an aspiring singer and actress. She prayed to God to put her on a path to success and she believes she has found this great balance and that her dream life is flourishing. She's traveling through the week with a Christian band, and they're all home in time for church on Sunday's in their hometown. She's genuinely glowing and I can't help but feel content in her presence.
Well, apparently my silence during reflection made her uncomfortable. And she asks "what's on your mind Miss Amanda?"
I respond, "oh nothing. I was just processing your story. I'm very happy for you. It's nice to hear positive stories. And I respect that you looked toward your faith to find your way. It's a beautiful idea..."
She looks confused and says "idea?... Well Amanda, when was the last time you asked God about your path?"
"Um... Well... It's been a while. I've been busy."
"Oh" through laughter "He knows you're busy. He knows before you know. But you can talk to him anytime. Even right her on this table!"
"I'm in a bit of a compromised position. I don't think this is the right time"
"I think it's time for you to get right with him. Stop running away and denying him. Everything will come together once you just give him the power... He'll lead you to a husband and a family and the life you're born to lead..."
...speechless.
She continues "I've never had an experience like this here, but I think God put you in my path and that we're sisters in Christ. Pick up a bible, ask where to look. He won't let you down"
And then she leans down and hugs me. While I am half naked and wax between my legs... And kisses my cheek.
I walked away feeling confused, inhibited and like maybe I should go to church...
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Self-centering - But not the egotistical kind...
So, it's been several months since I've taken the time to write on this blog. My apologies, to myself and you, for not being more mindful of my needs to write. Or at least to write in my true voice. I took a hiatus in the attempts to go a different route with my writing, and my purpose. It turns out that I wasn't doing anything wrong, until I stopped writing here. Sure I've cataloged some stories in my physical journals, and I contributed a few submissions to another site that I'm certainly proud of - in it's own respects.
All of that being said, I'm welcoming myself back.
I signed up for an online writing course, for children's books. I know, I know - me influencing children?! I'm a little afraid too. BUT I do have some amazingly talented artists in my life that are already scurrying for their paintbrushes and sketchpads to help with illustrations and bringing characters to life! I figure if I, and my pack of misfits have grown up SO incredibly awesome - we might as well spread that gospel! Right? Right!
Additionally, today I took my emotions to the mat. The yoga mat. And boy did we come to blows. My body is rigid and wobbly. And by the end, during meditations, I was crying my little peepers out. The release of that negativity is just the beginning, I know that. I have no doubt that I'm going to have many more sessions with tears and fumbling before I find my roots in this mat and in my person. I pay no service to my friends, and more importantly myself if I lack as much balance as I currently do. It is VERY important that I regain control of my breathing and letting go of everything else.
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All of that being said, I'm welcoming myself back.
I signed up for an online writing course, for children's books. I know, I know - me influencing children?! I'm a little afraid too. BUT I do have some amazingly talented artists in my life that are already scurrying for their paintbrushes and sketchpads to help with illustrations and bringing characters to life! I figure if I, and my pack of misfits have grown up SO incredibly awesome - we might as well spread that gospel! Right? Right!
Additionally, today I took my emotions to the mat. The yoga mat. And boy did we come to blows. My body is rigid and wobbly. And by the end, during meditations, I was crying my little peepers out. The release of that negativity is just the beginning, I know that. I have no doubt that I'm going to have many more sessions with tears and fumbling before I find my roots in this mat and in my person. I pay no service to my friends, and more importantly myself if I lack as much balance as I currently do. It is VERY important that I regain control of my breathing and letting go of everything else.
Watch out, the the mat hits back...
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