F this, I'll be a stripper...

This was the start of a conversation with my friend Jax today. She's bought a stripper pole for her living room. 

Be still my heart. 

I simply cannot wait for the skin burns and uncontrollable laughter. And above all, the unmatched playlists! Look out world, this may cause a change in career paths!

A reflection of my friendships.

When friends send me things like this, it makes me exceptionally happy...

It's pictures and other nonsense like this that make me realize how good it is to be got.  Because there is more than one person in my life for which this is completely a possible scenario.  For that, I am BEYOND thankful.  I've never been one to take myself too seriously, and I'm glad there are a handful of people that recognize and capitalize on that fact.  If you have people in your life like this, you're doing something right.

Well done, friends.  Keep up the good work.

The Vortex of Online Dating Sites

This past weekend, I spent time with family and friends.  I celebrated birthdays and graduations and the general awesomeness that is our group.  I enjoyed the festivities greatly, and I'm increasingly thankful for the amazing support system of weirdos that I call my own.

In addition to that, I spent some time with the always delightful, Turtle.  We of course watched British TV shows, as that is a requirement of our friendship.  But we also stumbled upon "Plenty of Fish".  This is a website dedicated to bringing the lonely souls together.  (Be that for a night or a lifetime.)  The further into this journey we traveled, the more I questioned "How the hell is the human race still a thing?"  If you really take the time to look, it is startling.  I won't say that every single person on this site was a questionable soul, because some of them were attractive, funny or some combination of interesting.  However, the majority spoke to a part of my brain that screamed for complete words, correct grammar and self respect! (And that was just the women)

Turtle encouraged me to start my own account, just so we could make a comparison of the men.  And of course, I fell to peer pressure.  They make you chose an "intent" option when starting your account.  Not a single option says friendship.  Your choices range from easy to desperate in short measure.  And considering I'm not actually looking for anything, it was difficult to make a choice on intent without a certain level of guilt.

Within a matter of moments of completing my profile, I was reading messages from Alabama, Tennessee and Georgia's finest.  Some of these men were clever, I'll admit.  But mostly it was along the lines of "hey, ur hawt" and with each new message, I cringed.  After nearly 20 messages, I had to hide my account from searches.  I wanted to delete the entire account, but Hippo demanded that I wait until she could have a look herself.  We even discussed making a fake guy account, because we have nothing better to do with our time.
I guess we're all a little curious...

Rocket Girl (my weekend abroad - yes Alabama is 'abroad')

This past weekend, I went to visit Turtle in Huntsville, AL.
He's on the short list of people I'll go into Alabama for.

(Silliness ensued)

And he took me to play at NASA... because he's amazing, and I love nerdy things.

(Inside an RS-25 engine. That little circle above my head is where the fire would be. I'm pretty dangerous.)

We also watched a generally unnatural amount of television for me.  But it was British, and hilarious.  (An Idiot Abroad, if you're looking for something WONDERFUL to watch) We stayed in our pajamas most of the time I was there.  Talk about GLORIOUS.  There was even a moon bounce...

(shut up, it's not an air mattress...it's a moon bounce)

So basically, the perfect weekend.  Great friend and laziness.  OH I almost forgot...

(freeze-dried astronaut foods!)

It's alright if you're envious.

The Wallflowers

Tonight, I gave the teenage version of myself one of her greatest gifts. (Sorry for the 16+ year delay, you know we're easily distracted) I took myself and my inner child to a Wallflowers' concert. 

This adventure proved satisfying for a few reasons...

First of all, Jakob Dylan, the son of Bob Dylan, and the receiver of some of the most gratifying genetics. Ever. I know not everyone agrees that either Mr. Dylan is attractive (or talented). And well, those people are stupid. 

Second, "white guy dancing". This type of moving is rarely rhythmic, and always hilarious. Honestly, when I feel badly about myself I go to concerts where I'm guaranteed that white guys will gather and sway and make awkward hand gestures to what they feel is in sync with the music. I would say "no sir", but then where would I find my happy place?!

Third, music. Oh. My. Music!! If you don't go to see live shows, you're probably dead inside. The energy, emotion and enigma. Nothing I've ever experienced gets to me quite the same.

Keep it magical! 

(Also, thanks to my soul sister, Jamie and the rock-n-roll princess Jax for going with me!!)

Class Participation

Hippo has recently started a new class in her journey for her Master's Degree. During this class, she's required to participate in the online discussions, and is asked to include her favorite bible verses, inspirational quotes and photos. She is then graded on her submissions.

I think I speak for the entire Southern Adventist University system when I say they are pleased as punch that I'm not a student there. These are my suggestions for favorite bible verses...

Malachi 2:3 - Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces...

Ezekiel 23:19-20 - Yet she became more and  more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.  There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

You're welcome.

Low Budget Wednesday

Generally speaking, Wednesday is my least favorite day of the week.  I get annoyed when people refer to it as "humpday" or that try to tell me "oh but you're halfway through the week!".  Fuck you and just stop it.

When I woke up this morning I was cranky and still tired from a night of fitful dreams and fighting monsters in my sleep.  I thought great, must be Wednesday...However, today the universe seems to have thrown me a bone. (pun kinda intended... humpday, ha!)

It all started with a wonderful tweet by Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) that said "when my little niece cries I tell her one day a japanese businessman will pay her to day that".  I share that here because, first I still find it incredibly funny and second it's my blog and the catalyst to my story. Initially I only planned to share that story with my friend, Turtle, because his sense of humor equals mine in warped perspective. Then! I got the unsuspecting pleasure of meeting the refrigerator repair man at my boss' house.  I know, I know already I'm being set up for a porn.  Turtle even suggested that I call and order a pizza  just to make things interesting.  I said "great my morning is going to end in a Chinese Finger Cuff". (Urban Dictionary that, I'm certainly not going to explain it)

If you did as you were told and went to Urban Dictionary the next part of this conversation will make sense, if you didn't good luck.

Turtle: Is there an official way of indicating you're ready to switch out? Is it like a wrestling high-five or...?
Me: Off the top rope! (Man I hope so)
Turtle: Haha. So do you organize the transitions or do the particiapants? I'm sure it would be difficult to speak. Maybe you do hand gestures? lol. Ok. I've officially taken it too far.
Me: Tap. Out.
Turtle: I give! I give!

Around this time I realize that the repair guy has had to call for back up.  I'm not kidding.  Let's call a plumber and a pool boy and get this party going!  Not to mention the uncomfortable amount of stuffed waterfowl throughout the house.  As I'm describing this scene to Turtle he says "Perfect setting.  Is there a hideous fur rug and a leather couch? That's the ultimate back drop for our story."

I swear, I can't make this shit up.  Sadly, not every Wednesday is like this.  It's a rare occasion that I walk onto a porno set.  There is a mighty lack of shiny, well lit orgasms in my life...